I used to believe dating only threw punches at a select few, but the reality is that everyone can experience heartbreak or betrayal.
No matter your age or relationship history, relationships often teach us unexpected lessons about ourselves.
One of the newest buzzwords doing the rounds in conversations about relationships is “monkey branching”.
If you haven’t heard it yet, Monkey branching, sometimes referred to as monkey barring, occurs when someone quietly forms a new romantic connection while remaining committed to their existing relationship.
Only when they’re confident that the new relationship is secure do they let go of the old one.
Aside from health and wealth, most people just want to feel loved, understood, and appreciated. This universal desire for love and connection can sometimes lead individuals to monkey branch, as they seek constant reassurance and the comfort of companionship.
By swinging from one relationship to another without a break, they attempt to avoid the fear of loneliness and the challenges that come with self-reflection and personal growth.
So why do some people move quickly from one relationship to the next without taking a break?
Clinical psychologist and sex therapist, Dr Kathy McMahon, explained it perfectly to “Parade”, saying, “Monkey-branching is basically emotional hedging. The person wants to make sure there’s another branch to latch on to before they risk breaking up with their current partner.”
While the term might not be common in everyday conversations here, the behaviour is familiar. Many of us know someone who moves quickly from one long-term relationship to another.
McMahon says this is less about cruelty and more about fear and convenience. Fear of being alone. Fear of losing identity without a partner. And the convenience of a “soft landing” into a new relationship rather than sitting with the discomfort of solitud
The idea of being single terrifies many, prompting them to set up a “spare” relationship.
Relationship coach Dr Brittany McGeehan, host of “The Aligned Powerhouse” podcast, adds that it often signals unprocessed attachment wounds,
“It doesn’t always mean someone is manipulative. It typically indicates unresolved attachment issues and difficulties with emotional regulation. People who equate being in a relationship with safety will cling to a backup, even if they haven’t healed from the last one.”
Is monkey branching toxic?
The short answer is yes. Even if not done with malicious intent, monkey branching bypasses the hard but necessary work of a healthy breakup, facing loneliness, self-reflection and closure.
Experts agree that this phenomenon hinders growth. The hardest part of a breakup is learning who you are without the relationship.
Monkey branching short-circuits that process and often require deception. However, there are healthy steps one can take during a breakup to promote self-growth and healing. It is important to give yourself time to grieve and reflect on the relationship.
It’s unhealthy because it creates a false sense of control. Over time, it leads to repeated patterns of codependency, emotional avoidance, and fractured relational dynamics.
Engaging in self-care practices, such as exercise, meditation, or spending time on hobbies, can help rebuild your sense of self and improve emotional resilience.
Additionally, seeking the support of a therapist or counsellor can help in understanding past patterns and developing healthier relationship dynamics moving forward.
Image: cottonbro studio /Pexels
Psychology behind why people monkey branch
Most monkey branchers are not trying to be villains. In other words, it’s not about being “smooth” or “securing the bag” in love. It’s about avoiding the uncomfortable truth that sometimes we need to face ourselves before we face someone new.
Here are some common psychological drivers:
Fear of being alone: Many people dread the idea of being single, so they keep a “spare” relationship lined up.
Low self-esteem: If you believe your worth comes from being partnered, being single feels unbearable.
Anxious or avoidant attachment style: People with insecure attachment may struggle to let go or commit fully, so they cling to a “safety net.”
Do monkey branchers feel guilty?
Sometimes yes, sometimes no. McGeehan explains that many don’t even realise they’re doing it because the behaviour can be unconscious, rooted in childhood patterns of conditional love.
But let’s be real, building a new relationship while concealing it from your partner is not an “accident.” It’s a choice. And one that requires daily acts of secrecy.
Monkey branching can be subtle, not as obvious as cheating. Here are some red flags to watch for:
- They seem emotionally detached, checked out or distracted.
- Their priorities shift, less time for you, more energy for “new friends” or activities that exclude you.
- They suddenly get busier, with unexplained plans, “work events,” or vague excuses.
- They keep mentioning a “new friend” (colleague, gym buddy, “just a friend”) but get defensive when you ask.
- They become secretive online, guarding their phone, changing passwords or flipping screens away when texting.
