One size doesn’t fit all when it comes to sex and pleasure, says Dorothy Black.
Once, when a whirlwind romance came to an end on account of my lover leaving the country for good, Miss America comforted me with some cold facts: “He was a rat, good riddance” and “all you have to do now is prepare for the love drug withdrawals”.
The love drug withdrawals. After months of regular intimacy, my body was used to its daily dose of happy love chemicals: oxytocin and dopamine.
Look, I don’t know if a ‘love drug’ withdrawal is science or anything, but I do know that my body follows some pretty basic scripts when it isn’t having its needs met.
“Sex isn’t about getting stuck at Penetration Station.”
For example: I don’t eat, I get hungry; I don’t drink coffee, I get thirsty; I don’t look at baby animals on IG, I get sad; I don’t get naked love cuddles, I get cranky. In Dot Land, it’s just basic biology.
I’m starting to wonder if that “crankiness” is simply my physical and emotional body needing its next hit of the love drug. And for me, in a long-term relationship, the longest I seem happily capable of going is four days.
Depending where I am in my cycle. Oh, and the key phrase here is “happily”, of course.
Knowing how long you can happily go before needing your top-up dose of deliciousness is helpful, because everyone is different. Especially if you’re an every four days type and your honey is more an every two days type.
“I think many guys only know how to express a need for emotional and physical intimacy through sex as penetration and orgasm.”
These differences are why I don’t buy the “happy couples have sex 2 to 3 times a week” business. Life and hormones just aren’t that robotic.
How much sex is enough is how much is enough for you; and enough is the amount that fills your love tanks and satiates you physically and emotionally.
Maybe it’s worthwhile pointing out that when I talk about ‘sex’, I’m talking about pleasure and naked love cuddles. Sex isn’t about getting stuck at Penetration Station.
Read more: Why sex doesn’t necessarily equal love
I think that this assumption sometimes gets in the way of getting naked for some women.
Sometimes you just don’t want that physical boundary crossed, you know? Then again, I think many guys only know how to express a need for emotional and physical intimacy through sex as penetration and orgasm.
“There’s a wild array of ways to get your jollies on – oral, mutual/solo manual stim, touch and massage, toys, cuddles and kissing … and, yes, penetration.”
So you see how it can become a real problem when you need that physical connection – your dose of love drug – but only equate sex with the penetration you might not want.
Read more: Are women ‘programmed’ to cheat?
The nuts and bolts, then, in the answer to “how much sex is enough for me?” is how you and your partner talk about what you both need to feel intimately connected. And there’s a wild array of ways to get your rocks off – oral, mutual/solo manual stim, touch and massage, toys, cuddles and kissing … and, yes, penetration.
Oh, and this doesn’t include all the daily bonding touches, by the way, but then again I’m a very touchy-feely type.
So. How much sex is enough? Well, as much sex/pleasure/love/naked cuddles that is enough for YOU.
Follow Dorothy Black on her blog and on Twitter.